Superbowl XL (Extra-Large)

Biggest Sell-Out: Dr. Seuss' estate

2nd Biggest Sell-Out: Jim Henson's estate

Worst. Dramatic reader. Ever. : Harrison Ford. (Dude looked 'way too eager to get his hands around someone's neck — not the best pose for a Dr. Seuss recitation.)

Band We Most Wish Would Retire: the Rolling Stones

Lamest commercial: all of the car ones

Lamest commercial series: the ones where the diet soda recorded a hip-hop track and co-starred in a movie and did I-don't-care-what-else.

What-the-Hell?-est commercial: the one with the dancers in hamburger-topping costumes (I thought it was for a salad until it was almost over; either way, it made no sense)

Are-You-Fuckin'-Kiddin'-Me?-est commercial: the razor with the five blades. (It reminded me of a Saturday Night Live sketch involving a 20-blade razor. Oh, we laughed then; but now... .)

Stupidest commercial: too many to choose just one. Since it was just on, I'll go with the one where Godzillette and Roboticon met, mated, and produced a sport-utility travesty

Funniest-Until-the-Punch-Line commercial: FedEx overnight delivery in the age of dinosaurs

Kinda-Cute-est commercial: the one where the guy worked in an office otherwise staffed completely by chimpanzees, who were partying hardy because their sales graph was upside-down. (Why no better than "Kinda Cute"? Because chimpanzees are apes, dammit — not monkeys!)

Best commercial: beating out all of its no competitors, the one where the doctors standing over a patient zapped a housefly with a defibrillator paddle and said "That killed 'im" just as the patient's wife and kid walked through the door