Good Riddance, 2012

Once again I am feeling oppressively sad and lonely. My crazy-meds don't seem to be working so well as before: or, I suppose, it's rather that they can only do so much and lately my psyche has been too shrunken for them to have much effect. I imagine I'd feel even worse without them. I'm not sure why I have shrunk. I suppose it's mostly the combination of the holidays, and having only six local friends who are all busy with their families, and the shortness of daylight. I've also been feeling the weight of my (admittedly limited) obligations to others, and feeling as though I have little to lighten them. I have been waking at 7:30 but unable to haul myself out of bed until 9:30. There are several things I would, in the abstract, like to do but cannot muster the energy for so I waste time on the computer until aroune 12:30 when the sense of wasted time finally guilts me into dressing. Then I waste more time on the computer until the last possible moment before I must leave for an obligation. Upon returning home I waste still more time on the computer until it is time for bed.

Repeat. 

There are movies I would, in the abstract, like to see, and books I would like to read, and projects I would like to undertake, and even chores I would like to complete; but just thinking about them seems to sap whatever energy and interest I have for and in them. Since at least my middle-school years I have been able to undermine myself by thinking immediately past whatever I feel any enthusiasm about, to the moments when whatever-it-is is over and my responsibilities remain; and my enthusiasm seems pointless and transient, and wanes quickly. There are always more responsibilities and they always outweigh my enthusiasm. I seem to see enthusiasm as a distraction from responsibility rather than an easing or lightening of them, so that I feel too guilty about deferring my responsibilities to indulge an enthusiasm (but never too guilty to indulge procrastination on the computer); or I so convince myself of the pointlessness of an enthusiasm that I cannot enjoy it even if I do indulge it.